My Turning Point Part One – Compassion-Focused Wisdom

In 2012 and onwards, my mental well-being and stability had taken a major dip and dipped even further at the loss of my loyal canine companion to cancer.

To keep things short, I was getting extremely frequent attacks of overbearing and attention-stealing auditory, sensory and visual hallucinations. I was getting powerful synchronicity and déjà vu every few minutes, it seemed. It was unbearable, and I was fortunate that I did not have to spend a period of time in hospital, but at the same time, I really became a recluse and would rarely leave my flat and often my bedroom.

I would also have blackouts and break into trances, with seemingly the voices trying to take me over, and would black out in one room and come to awareness in another room, sometimes in front of strange drawings or writing I had apparently done whilst unaware, and at times in front of certain websites with no knowledge or recollection of how I got onto them, as one minute I would be in bed or in the living room with music on, trying to block out the voices, then the next minute in another room or on the computer. In some instances, whilst being aware, I would double-lock my front door and put the keys away to hopefully prevent me from leaving the flat whilst unaware.

Amidst the months and years of experiencing this, some voices and synchronicities led me to certain forms of knowledge and information. Not all the voices and so on seemed malevolent. And the main forms of knowledge that began to turn my life around for the better were information surrounding elements of Buddhism, Taoism and psychology. I was somewhat chaotically incorporating elements of these 3 schools of thought to formulate a survival toolkit and series of practices and modes of being that would assist me with coping with my experiences more so than feeling a victim of them, although this took months and months of diligent and dedicated investigation, trial and practice. There was no quick and easy fix, and I found that applying this knowledge of the East and West, along with the right and strong doses of medication, began to make the storm feel less turbulent.

The main topics were…

• Taoist water practices, i.e. deep diaphragmatic breathwork and tiger and dragon and other forms of qi gong.

• Mindfulness and zazen meditation, which later developed into a technique I compiled using various meditation styles and techniques.

• Compassion-focused mantra, prayer and meditation.

• Vagus nerve stretches and incorporating a meditation technique into doing so.

• Understanding the bio-physiological and psychological connection of the brain and nervous system and the fight-or-flight responses.

Through my experiences, I have become spiritual, but also have a firm understanding of the scientific and rational aspects of the mind and psychology. The way I see myself is like that of a butterfly in an endless field of flowers. All the flowers look different, different sizes, colours, scents. But they are all rooted in the same ground, the same earth, and are also reaching up to the sky and facing the same sun, the same light. The earth being the common ground all the flowers share, that of assisting humanity, that of understanding from their current place in time and space and the wisdom, nourishment they offer those who gravitate towards them. All the flowers also reach up to the same sky, consciousness, the same sun and light source or power, truth, light. Some flowers attract beings who like a certain colour, scent and nectar. These flowers represent the different schools of wisdom and thought on Earth. There are flowers that represent Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, neuroscience, psychology and so on. Many beings gravitate to a particular flower for the sustenance of mind and spirit. I think of myself as a butterfly, flying from different flowers, taking what I need from each one to remain flying, not gravitating towards any one source of nourishment for my mind and spirit.

The turning point happened where, rather than trying to fight my experiences (voices, visions, etc.), I started to have compassion for them as if they were (as I believed) real external factors beyond just my own mind. I didn’t know if they were spirits, demons, aliens, or mind control agents or my own mind, but that was not important in this new mode of thinking, as what my perception was that no matter what they were, they too were suffering, trapped themselves in the darkness.

So I began using the mantra at every instance of an intrusion or voice attack, etc….

May you know Happiness.

May you know Wellbeing.

May you know Love.

May you know Peace.

I would say this to the voices, visions and sensations I would experience, quietly to myself in my mind, out loud if not in public, but really emphasise the feeling, the meaning of what those words and this mantra meant. As time went on, whilst incorporating this into meditation and qi gong practice, it began to drown out some of the voices. Some would fizzle away, some shriek and scream, and some would take a different tone. Having all these experiences makes it hard to know what my own thoughts and inner dialogue are, but that’s where the years of reading and listening to Eastern philosophies and wisdom come in.

Through years of absorbing Buddhist, Taoist and Vedic philosophy, I came to the perception that there is no TRUE self, just a mirror of the relationships we have with stimuli of our senses and environment. You’ve heard the saying “you are what you eat”; well, this is also true as in “you are what you perceive, you are what you focus on and think”.

Reality was so fluid (and still is). I truly was lost at sea. Reality doesn’t seem real, with constant experiences of voices, etc., along with mass synchronicity and déjà vu. I didn’t know what, if anything, was real in the practical Western model’s sense. I didn’t know if I was in a dream of some great being, or in a conscious universe, a holographic universe or some vast super-simulated reality… I just didn’t know!

But one voice, over and over again, kept asking me “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” and for years I thought the answer was the truth of what happened to me in 1997, the truth of what was going on on Earth and that of creation itself. Then I thought I wanted just peace, love, happiness, but these eluded me further. Then one day, at my wits’ end, again the voice asked “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” and on my knees, looking around my room, then finding stillness, I just replied “to be a loving and compassionate being” and with that something changed. Things seemed less intense, and synchronicity began to get more gentle, déjà vu less frequent and voices would still intrude, but I had the tools to deal with them.

I will continue this article in a separate blog post and link it here once done. Thank you for reading if you have done so.

May you know Happiness.

May you know Wellbeing.

May you know Love.

May you know Peace.